Pregnant Doesn't Equal Happy

This is a post I've been wanting to share for some time now. In an age where so many women and couples struggle with fertility, the concept of women not being overjoyed when becoming pregnant doesn't fit in. In reality, it's much more common than one might think. While people may be fighting infertility to start a family, this is also an era where girls have been brought up to believe they can do anything. So when an unexpected pregnancy occurs, it shouldn't be shocking to find the now mother-to-be upset or discouraged.

My husband I had been married for two years when we became pregnant with our daughter. At the time I was working as a part time nanny while working on my master's degree. My husband was working an entry level job, and we lived in a house on a busy street I never imagined raising a family in. Needless to say starting a family wasn't on our radar.

I refused to take a pregnancy test for two months while I was in denial with the possibility of a drastic life change. The moment the the test came back positive I broke down crying. This was not what was supposed to happen. I was a devout Catholic, believing I had a good relationship with God and was following His will in pursuing higher education which would allow me to enter a career He had prepared me for. I had never gotten a message/ hint/ clue that parenthood was in my future.

How were we supposed to pay for a kid? Working as a nanny, I knew what childcare cost. It didn't make sense financial for me to work while paying for childcare- my entire paycheck would go straight to any daycare or nanny (this is not only for while I worked as a nanny, but in the career I was pursuing after attaining my master's). So I had to quit working as well as my education- kids are expensive, we weren't going into more debt having a kid and continuing to pay tuition bills.

Ok, so that was settled, however, to manage paying for our mortgage, gas, groceries, utilities, or other bills, my husband's paycheck couldn't cover it. He began looking for a new job. We were both worried about the possibility he wouldn't be able to find a better paying job as he didn't have a college degree and most well paying jobs require some sort of bachelor's degree. Luckily after months of searching he was able to find a better paying job, and one he enjoyed.

While all of these major life decisions were going through my mind, my body was taking a beating of its own. Everyone expects some sort of morning sickness to be present during a pregnancy, but at that time no one thought of serious sickness- think Kate Middleton (who had not yet become pregnant with her first and made world news with her condition). While I my sickness wasn't as extreme as Kate's, I was seriously ill, and ended up in the ER one evening b/c I became so dehydrated from inability to keep anything down. I also wasn't blessed with morning sickness only in the first trimester, no, I was sick the whole pregnancy. Oh yeah, I also had gestational diabetes. Really, the majority of pregnancies are much, much easier than my experience.

Now, looking at how drastic my life changed in a short period of time it shouldn't be surprising to hear that I wasn't too pleased with being pregnant. So many worries and bills while feeling miserable... for nine/ten months. Also, I happened to be the first of my friends to get pregnant- meaning none of them had a clue what it was like to go through what I was going through.

So, did I receive a lot of understanding, sympathy, and support in my struggles? No. Family and friends shamed me. I was continually bombarded with "How can you not be excited?" "Babies are blessings! You should be happy." "You're so lucky!" "God is the only one who really knows His plan." "You must have misunderstood His plan for you."

None of this made me feel any better. Instead is made me feel worse- everyone else was excited and happy about this, what's wrong with me? Why can't I be excited? After months of hearing this, I retreated into isolation feeling shameful for my unhappiness and inability to even fake happiness. Shame + isolation. This is a horrible combination. I was seriously depressed. I couldn't get out of it.

When Babycake was born I didn't feel the instant love I was supposed to. I wasn't overcome with joy the way I was told I would be. Instead Babycake and I got to know each other over the first 24 hours. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. She was small, sweet, an instant cuddler, and amazing sleeper.

Even though I fell in love with Babycake, and she became the light of my life, I was still depressed. I had never come out of my pregnancy depression, or been told it was ok that I felt the way I did. Then add on more hormonal changes the body goes through after giving birth, and the normal baby blues many women experience and I was still an incredibly unhappy person.

While I was home all day everyone else in the world seemed to be at work. All my friends had jobs and gathered to hang out, but they would do so without me. At first they would invite me to dinners they were doing... at 7pm, normal for young adults, but bedtime for most children. So I couldn't go. After a few attempts they just stopped inviting me all together, even if it was a day event. More isolation. My family and husband's family all live out of town, so I didn't have a parent or sibling dropping by regularly to visit. I had stopped going to church during the pregnancy because it was just another source of shame and continued to be even after. So there was no community, or individual, to turn to for support.

I am able to say that I was unhappy and depressed now when I look back on the experience. While going through it I had no idea how miserable I was. I loved Babycake, I loved my husband, so it didn't make sense that I could be depressed. Growing up I'd witnessed family members and friends battle depression so I thought I would recognize, or know if I experienced it. No. That's wrong. When you're depressed, you don't know it. Depression doesn't make sense. You can still love someone more than anything (yourself, possessions, life, etc.) and still not be happy or be unable to make good choices for that loved one.

Thankfully, around Babycake's seventh month I began to come out of a kind of haze. I believe that my hormones were starting to return to normal. But I was able to recognize that my outlook and overall attitude was different, happier. I realized how isolated I was from my friends and family. So I decided to make a change. I wanted to get back in shape, gestational diabetes and depression had done a number on my body. I wanted adult interaction. I wanted friends. So I joined our local YMCA.

Seriously, this was a life changing decision. First, exercise is a natural stress reliever. I began to accept myself again and was learning how to love myself all because I was able to recognize that I was taking care of myself and I was worth being taken care of. Second, I was able to meet other stay at home moms and make friends. It was amazing to have conversations with someone who understood what your life was like and what you and your family are going through. Third, child care is free at Y's. FREE! An amazing word for a one income- tight budget family.

So that's my story. In exactly one month Babycake will turn 3. She is still the light of my life. I love her more than anything. We will be having a party for her where family, Y friends, and a few of the pre-baby friends who stuck around, will be invited. Our little family is happy. We are currently awaiting baby #2 to arrive in May. This time I was ready, I knew what to expect, I have still been sick, but I honestly don't care what people think about the emotions I feel day to day. I have a much better support group of women (who are moms) who listen and care. Even if our experiences are different they understand that it's ok to be different.

One note I would like to make is that husbands, especially first time dads, won't be much help in battling baby blues or depression. Like first time moms, this is all new to them. They don't know what's normal and what's not, they are struggling through the murky waters of parenthood right next to you. I asked my husband around Babycake's 2nd birthday, when I was in a much better place and could reflect on my experience, why he didn't realize I was so depressed, or why he didn't do anything about it. His response was that he didn't know. He didn't know what was normal, we had no family around us and no friends with kids to give us advice. Yes we took the pregnancy classes and the bringing baby home classes where they warned us of depression, but reading something in a book or class is very different from experiencing it.

If you have a friend struggling through a pregnancy or post par-tum depression. Please be careful what you say. Though the phrases "you should be happy," "you're so lucky," etc were meant to encourage me, they did nothing but make me feel guilty because I wasn't. The best thing you can do for a friend is ask how they are, really listen to what they say, and don't give any advice unless asked- especially if you don't have kids. Try to sympathize, empathize. Everyone's stories are different so something that would bring you joy doesn't have to bring joy to someone else. Even if its hard to be around the friend b/c let's face it, depression brings everyone down, don't leave them. Texting, calling, e-mailing are so easy to keep up even if your daily schedules no longer sync. Be a good friend, be there.

To end: I love my husband, I love my family. I'm nervous to meet this new little member in May. We are growing together and learning together as a family. We are happy. That's about the best any wife and mother could ask for.

Another project while the toddler's away

A few weeks ago Babycake went down to visit her grandparents for a weekend. While hubby assumed we would be having a relaxing weekend, I had other plans :-) At the time I was working about 5 hrs a day while at home with Babycake and pregnant. So, there was a lot of things I'd been wanting to do that I no longer had time for like when I wasn't working... or pregnant.

When hubby and I bought the house, we knew we would have to work on a lot of the rooms. As I've shared in other posts, we've worked on almost every room in the house, from painting to completely gutting. This particular weekend however, I wanted to repaint the bathroom. I'd painted it twice already. The room is incredibly small, and the first color of paint I had picked a pale purple that ended up still being too dark for the space. The second color was a good color and shade, but I bought cheap paint and it started to crack within a week after being painted.

laundry storage wall

laundry rm wall

So we started to paint the bathroom with some paint I had bought over the summer, but never had a toddler free day to get the project done. After a couple of swipes with the roller however and I was afraid that the pale blue I had picked was still too dark for our tiny bathroom. So I took the pale blue that was bought for the bathroom and the hubs and I tackled our disgusting laundry room. The previous home owners tried to paint the walls a horrible puke green color over the black industrial drywall. It did not work out well and the room always looked grimy b/c of it. But now with our new coat of fresh paint the laundry room feels much brighter, bigger, and cleaner.

After we finished our laundry room paint job, that took about an hr, we headed to Lowes to acquire some paint that would not be too dark for the bathroom. As soon as we returned we tackled the bathroom. It took about 2 coats and a few touch ups but the bathroom looks great. It's a testament to room sizing b/c now that both rooms are done the paint looks the same, however, when the paint strips are next to each other you can see a difference. Hubby can't tell the difference in color from the teal blue we had before to the extremely pale blue we have now. I can tell and I'm perfectly happy with it. I'm just glad we don't have cracking paint that may chip with a baby on the way.

While at Lowes getting the bathroom paint I also picked out and bought paint for our baby boy's room (due in May). We did not get to painting his room over our spontaneous project weekend. Hubby was so tired from the work I had put him too on the other two rooms I didn't have the heart to make him do another. Especially when I had told him we would only be doing the bathroom... and the fact that he's not the best painter I've worked with... But this coming week, hubby is working out of town and Babycake is going to stay with grandparents, so I'll have the house and all my projects to myself. I'm trying not to be too optimistic about all I could accomplish with the free time. I have to keep reminding myself that in my 3rd trimester state I can not push myself to do all I could in my non-pregnant state.

New Dance Class!

Babycake is the one directly
across from the instructor.

Over the last year Babycake has been attending classes at our local Y. Last spring she took two gymnastics classes. She knew how to do a somersault before the class, but she learned how to do a log roll, handstand against the wall, how to properly land after a jump, as well as a supported backward roll. She loved it.

Last fall she took two dance classes. She did great and again loved it. I also loved the class as the it was small, and the teacher was amazing so parents got to sit in the room but didn't have to participate. So nice when I was feeling ill due to pregnancy.

Today Babycake had her second class in the next level dance class. She had a great time and did well. I was a little nervous about it though as parents got kicked out of the room. (We were allowed in the first class to sit and watch and will be allowed back in the room at the last class) So, I along with all the other parents sat in the hallway and watched through the room window. I was probably the most nervous parent as Babycake is the youngest in the class and only makes the age cut as she will turn 3 at the end of the class session. 

Letter of the Weeks Rr & Ss

I've finally been able to keep up with crafts for Babycake! Last week we worked on the letter Rr. She did great and knew the sound Rr made before we even practiced (proof that her ABC computer toy has been a huge help in teaching the letters- whether or not I like the idea of technology teaching my kid).

 We made a Robot, Rabbit, Road with little cars, Rainbow, Rain w rain cloud, and a rooster. Babycake did great with each one. She knew what we were making and the letter we used. The only one that she's had trouble with is the rooster. Once we make a craft, we hang it up on the wall for the rest of the week. When she would look up she would go through each of her crafts and each time she got to the rooster she would say turkey. An easy mistake for a two year old I'd say.

This week we worked on the letter Ss. We made an S w stars, Snake, squirrel, Snowman, skunk, and Seahorse. Again, Babycake knew what we were making and the letter we used as well as the sound it made. She has an Aunt Sarah, and would add "S is for Sarah!" at the end of each S sound jingle we would sing.

Babycake loves crafts, and I couldn't keep up with the demand for them this week, so I did cheat on the squirrel and skunk. Those I just printed off line and cut the S's off the animals for her to glue back on.