This post isn't about religion or politics. It's not about abortion, illness, or other.
This post is about parenting and letting your children survive.
No matter how messed up your parents may be, or how much they screwed you up, you have to know they loved you. No matter what, even if it's the only human part left of them, they loved you. How do I know this? How can I say this when I don't know you, I don't know your story? You lived. That's how I know, because you lived.
I never knew that surviving infancy and childhood was a gift from you parents (or caregiver). I had no idea this was fact until I became a parent. Seriously, why is this a secret?! Why is this not mentioned in any of the parenting books or classes? When you're expecting your "little bundle of joy," the books, classes, and experienced parents all give hint to the sleepless nights and exhaustion which is to ensue, but no one ever mentions that every parent has his/her day(ssssssss) of sainthood. Yeah. It's true.
Today was one of my own sanctity days. Nothing major happened. Nothing horrible. Yes I was woken multiple times throughout the night, but that's not too uncommon in our home at the moment. Today was a pretty typical day to be honest. Babycake was the average three year old, and we still think Buddyboy is teething. But for some reason, every refusal to nap by said three year old, and every screech for a diaper change, feeding, or cuddle, made me want to pull my hair out. I didn't want to read, play, and craft today. I didn't want to rock my baby to sleep. I didn't want to go out in the cold and windy weather. No. I wanted to be left the hell alone! "Please don't wipe your nose on me. Don't hug me with those jelly hands. Did you wash after pooping? Why is he still screaming? I have spit up running down my arm, hu, didn't even feel it that's so common."
Before being a parent I was baffled by the existence of Shaken Baby Syndrome. However, I came to understand how accidental it could actually be when Babycake was an infant- possibly the teething stage. She went through a time where she couldn't sleep without being in my arms due to gum discomfort. I remember one day being so exhausted and frustrated with her constant crying that I laid her in her crib and shook my fists, yelling. It lasted all of 10 seconds before I stared at my fists, no more than two feet away from her, in disbelief. I was shocked. Yes, I was exhausted to the point I couldn't hold a real conversation with an adult and yes I was frustrated, but had I not been clear headed enough to lay my baby down before shaking my fists in desperate anger, I could have easily kept her in my hands while I shook. (gulp)
Today, I left my crying baby boy in his crib so I could stomp around the house yelling. This was great in that I got relief and didn't yell at Buddyboy or do him any harm. This was not so great in that I had to repeatedly assure Babycake I was not mad at her, she was fine, Mommy is just really cranky today and still loves you to the moon and back.
Earlier this week my husband took a few days off work and then told me he was really looking forward to going back to work because he needed to get away. He needed a break from the kids. (yeah, me too!) As obnoxious as this was to hear, since I NEVER get a break (nope, honestly, don't get a day off from being Mommy until Buddyboy is one and done with nursing- then off to Grandma's the two kiddos will go!), this statement was at least a confirmation for me in my own personal thoughts that I have the hardest job. Day in, day out, 24/7, 365 days a year, I am on call. Naps don't line up today? No personal time for me. I don't get a 15, 30, 60 min break in my work day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are more often than not cold b/c someone needs my attention before I can take a bite. That weird noise in the middle of the night? Yeah, heard it and now trying to pass out so I can get 20 more mins before a middle of the night feeding or a nightmare demands my attention.
I love my children. I will do anything for them, but sometimes I fall short and the only gift I can give them is life. Today was that day. We all survived. Tomorrow has got to be better. Thank you Mom and Dad for letting me live past these stages.
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