Being a Stay At Home Parent in Today's USA

How do I even begin this post? I have so many thoughts...

I am a Stay-At-Home-Mom. My mom was a SAHM. My grandmother and her's before her were SAHMs.

Everyone knows how much our world has changed since the time our grandparents were our age. We know it is different now from when our parents were raising us. Schools are different, music is different, TV, computers, internet, socializing. Almost every aspect of our lives have been affected and tweaked in some way with the change in time. Change is a part of life. The little changes come without us even noticing, we switch brands of bread, take a different route to school/work. Big changes however, can rock our world; moving, a job promotion, job loss, graduating school.

I did not want to be a SAHM. I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids. I love kids, I worked with kids. I enjoyed being able to teach them, play with them, help them, love them, and at the end of the day leave them with their parents. I enjoyed having the freedom to be myself and live my life as I wanted at the end of the day and on the weekend. I knew from witnessing the parents in my life that being a mother is a full time job. Not a 40hr/week full time. No.  It's a 24/7, 365 days a year job... for 18+ years. You don't get 4 weeks vacation or weekends, there will be long hours, and you'll have night shifts after a full day's work. Appealing right?

I am a SAHM for two reasons. First, I truly believe that for the first three years of a child's life his/her parents need to be there- full time. I think it is crucial for the parent/child relationship that a parent raise the child instead of a day care. (I understand there can be exceptions such as single parents who need to work to support the family) The child needs to know the parent is always there for them, "Mom and Dad are my number one support." Children go to school for 7-8 hrs starting at the age of five. Parents get their breaks then. We should give all we can to our children in their first years. The first years set the building blocks for the rest of their lives. The second reason I'm a SAHM is that even if I were to work, my pay, and part of my husbands, would go straight to child care- it's expensive!

(Let me add here that I absolutely adore my daughter who was the biggest surprise/accident of my life)

The hardships of parenthood listed above were the ones I knew about before becoming a parent. No one had ever mentioned how isolating it can be to be a stay at home parent. When I was still pregnant and had decided that I would be staying home once Babycake was born, people would always say how nice that is, or how lucky I was, or that it was the right thing to do. Despite my fear of parenting, these kind words encouraged me.

Once I had Babycake though, my life no longer existed. Days and nights were ruled by her schedule. I no longer saw my friends. None of them had kids, they all had jobs, they could hang out at 7 pm (or even later!). My family all lives out of town. My  husband works long hours. I was alone with my infant. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and I was regularly left alone with my child.


I remember when I was a child, listening to my mom swapping stories with her six sisters about growing up in a neighborhood where all the moms were home and the streets were covered with kids playing. If I was going to be home all day, I wanted that scene to be my reality. I wanted to be able to walk over to my neighbor's house in the middle of the morning and talk; about anything. I missed adult interaction. Isolation- the perfect place for depression to fester.

How was this staying home thing "so nice" as those women exclaimed when I was pregnant? Before having my daughter I was "a social butterfly." I am an extrovert- I get energy from being with people. I love people. I hate constantly being by myself. I enjoy breaks by myself but not being home, all day every day.

How was I to meet other moms? I couldn't just walk out my front door like the old days. I searched for groups to join, or places to hang out. Almost everything cost money. Even the mom groups I found had a membership fee. The only free place I found that was age appropriate for Babycake and social for me was the library where it had a baby reading time. I liked it, Babycake liked it, but in the first year, her nap schedule changed enough times that we weren't able to go for six months due to time conflict.

Finally I decided to cough up the dough and budget so Babycake and I could become members of the YMCA. Thank goodness they base membership fees on family income! We're also very lucky that Indy has multiple locations. I tried a couple places and picked our future home away from home. I first fell in love with the Y because it's child care is free, and good (of course different locations may have better or worse child care). I also LOVE the exercise classes. They have a lot and a great variety.

Because my life still revolves around Babycake's schedule, we go to the Y at the same time every day. You know what? That's the same reason all the other moms in the classes I go to are there too! We're all dependent on our kid's schedules. We're also there to get a break from our kids and to take care of ourselves. Many of us were home alone with our kids before joining the Y.

I've made great friends since becoming a member of the Y. We're all in the same boat. We can talk for hours about diapering experiences, potty training, bedtime routines, etc and no one gets bored. We understand each other because we're all going through it. We ask each other for tips and tricks in parenting. "She won't eat x anymore, did your kids do that?" "Did she change her bedtime this early?" "How was it potty training him?"

Babycake and I now go on play dates. Babycake has many friends (all children of my new friends). We get to go to birthday parties. The other moms/dads and I swap babysitting date nights. Because we see our friends often Babycake has learned how to share and how to be aware of those around her. She will also be old enough to do gymnastics and soccer at the Y this year. I could not be more excited for her.

I do envy my friends who don't have kids. I wish I could stay up past 10 on any given night and not be exhausted the next morning. What would my house look like without toys everywhere, in every room? What would it be like to have a spur of the moment date night with my husband? It would be so fun to be able to call up a friend to get together that afternoon without having to find a babysitter or plan a dinner for the family while I'll be gone.

But that's not my life. Mine is the early mornings and early nights. Mine is the toddler temper tantrums, the smudged windows, and the finger print covered walls. It may be drastically different from my dreams, it isn't even the children filled neighborhood, but it is no longer a lonely life.