My husband I had been married for two years when we became pregnant with our daughter. At the time I was working as a part time nanny while working on my master's degree. My husband was working an entry level job, and we lived in a house on a busy street I never imagined raising a family in. Needless to say starting a family wasn't on our radar.
I refused to take a pregnancy test for two months while I was in denial with the possibility of a drastic life change. The moment the the test came back positive I broke down crying. This was not what was supposed to happen. I was a devout Catholic, believing I had a good relationship with God and was following His will in pursuing higher education which would allow me to enter a career He had prepared me for. I had never gotten a message/ hint/ clue that parenthood was in my future.
How were we supposed to pay for a kid? Working as a nanny, I knew what childcare cost. It didn't make sense financial for me to work while paying for childcare- my entire paycheck would go straight to any daycare or nanny (this is not only for while I worked as a nanny, but in the career I was pursuing after attaining my master's). So I had to quit working as well as my education- kids are expensive, we weren't going into more debt having a kid and continuing to pay tuition bills.
Ok, so that was settled, however, to manage paying for our mortgage, gas, groceries, utilities, or other bills, my husband's paycheck couldn't cover it. He began looking for a new job. We were both worried about the possibility he wouldn't be able to find a better paying job as he didn't have a college degree and most well paying jobs require some sort of bachelor's degree. Luckily after months of searching he was able to find a better paying job, and one he enjoyed.
While all of these major life decisions were going through my mind, my body was taking a beating of its own. Everyone expects some sort of morning sickness to be present during a pregnancy, but at that time no one thought of serious sickness- think Kate Middleton (who had not yet become pregnant with her first and made world news with her condition). While I my sickness wasn't as extreme as Kate's, I was seriously ill, and ended up in the ER one evening b/c I became so dehydrated from inability to keep anything down. I also wasn't blessed with morning sickness only in the first trimester, no, I was sick the whole pregnancy. Oh yeah, I also had gestational diabetes. Really, the majority of pregnancies are much, much easier than my experience.
Now, looking at how drastic my life changed in a short period of time it shouldn't be surprising to hear that I wasn't too pleased with being pregnant. So many worries and bills while feeling miserable... for nine/ten months. Also, I happened to be the first of my friends to get pregnant- meaning none of them had a clue what it was like to go through what I was going through.
So, did I receive a lot of understanding, sympathy, and support in my struggles? No. Family and friends shamed me. I was continually bombarded with "How can you not be excited?" "Babies are blessings! You should be happy." "You're so lucky!" "God is the only one who really knows His plan." "You must have misunderstood His plan for you."
None of this made me feel any better. Instead is made me feel worse- everyone else was excited and happy about this, what's wrong with me? Why can't I be excited? After months of hearing this, I retreated into isolation feeling shameful for my unhappiness and inability to even fake happiness. Shame + isolation. This is a horrible combination. I was seriously depressed. I couldn't get out of it.
When Babycake was born I didn't feel the instant love I was supposed to. I wasn't overcome with joy the way I was told I would be. Instead Babycake and I got to know each other over the first 24 hours. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. She was small, sweet, an instant cuddler, and amazing sleeper.Even though I fell in love with Babycake, and she became the light of my life, I was still depressed. I had never come out of my pregnancy depression, or been told it was ok that I felt the way I did. Then add on more hormonal changes the body goes through after giving birth, and the normal baby blues many women experience and I was still an incredibly unhappy person.
While I was home all day everyone else in the world seemed to be at work. All my friends had jobs and gathered to hang out, but they would do so without me. At first they would invite me to dinners they were doing... at 7pm, normal for young adults, but bedtime for most children. So I couldn't go. After a few attempts they just stopped inviting me all together, even if it was a day event. More isolation. My family and husband's family all live out of town, so I didn't have a parent or sibling dropping by regularly to visit. I had stopped going to church during the pregnancy because it was just another source of shame and continued to be even after. So there was no community, or individual, to turn to for support.
I am able to say that I was unhappy and depressed now when I look back on the experience. While going through it I had no idea how miserable I was. I loved Babycake, I loved my husband, so it didn't make sense that I could be depressed. Growing up I'd witnessed family members and friends battle depression so I thought I would recognize, or know if I experienced it. No. That's wrong. When you're depressed, you don't know it. Depression doesn't make sense. You can still love someone more than anything (yourself, possessions, life, etc.) and still not be happy or be unable to make good choices for that loved one.
Thankfully, around Babycake's seventh month I began to come out of a kind of haze. I believe that my hormones were starting to return to normal. But I was able to recognize that my outlook and overall attitude was different, happier. I realized how isolated I was from my friends and family. So I decided to make a change. I wanted to get back in shape, gestational diabetes and depression had done a number on my body. I wanted adult interaction. I wanted friends. So I joined our local YMCA.
Seriously, this was a life changing decision. First, exercise is a natural stress reliever. I began to accept myself again and was learning how to love myself all because I was able to recognize that I was taking care of myself and I was worth being taken care of. Second, I was able to meet other stay at home moms and make friends. It was amazing to have conversations with someone who understood what your life was like and what you and your family are going through. Third, child care is free at Y's. FREE! An amazing word for a one income- tight budget family.
So that's my story. In exactly one month Babycake will turn 3. She is still the light of my life. I love her more than anything. We will be having a party for her where family, Y friends, and a few of the pre-baby friends who stuck around, will be invited. Our little family is happy. We are currently awaiting baby #2 to arrive in May. This time I was ready, I knew what to expect, I have still been sick, but I honestly don't care what people think about the emotions I feel day to day. I have a much better support group of women (who are moms) who listen and care. Even if our experiences are different they understand that it's ok to be different.
One note I would like to make is that husbands, especially first time dads, won't be much help in battling baby blues or depression. Like first time moms, this is all new to them. They don't know what's normal and what's not, they are struggling through the murky waters of parenthood right next to you. I asked my husband around Babycake's 2nd birthday, when I was in a much better place and could reflect on my experience, why he didn't realize I was so depressed, or why he didn't do anything about it. His response was that he didn't know. He didn't know what was normal, we had no family around us and no friends with kids to give us advice. Yes we took the pregnancy classes and the bringing baby home classes where they warned us of depression, but reading something in a book or class is very different from experiencing it.
If you have a friend struggling through a pregnancy or post par-tum depression. Please be careful what you say. Though the phrases "you should be happy," "you're so lucky," etc were meant to encourage me, they did nothing but make me feel guilty because I wasn't. The best thing you can do for a friend is ask how they are, really listen to what they say, and don't give any advice unless asked- especially if you don't have kids. Try to sympathize, empathize. Everyone's stories are different so something that would bring you joy doesn't have to bring joy to someone else. Even if its hard to be around the friend b/c let's face it, depression brings everyone down, don't leave them. Texting, calling, e-mailing are so easy to keep up even if your daily schedules no longer sync. Be a good friend, be there.
To end: I love my husband, I love my family. I'm nervous to meet this new little member in May. We are growing together and learning together as a family. We are happy. That's about the best any wife and mother could ask for.
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